Some families deal with death in great numbers that come crashing down one immediately after the next, but I haven’t had to deal with it too many times in my life. Actually I would say I’ve only had two deaths in my lifetime that have literally knocked the wind out of me and left me feeling like I didn’t know if I was coming or going. When death does come knocking around me, it seems to come for the people I love most and with whom I share the closest bond. The first being the loss of Delvin in 2002 when I was only 13, which many of you know about considering I have talked about him so much since then. Just as unexpected as that one was, the passing of my grandma was just as shocking and even more impactful. She was truly my best friend and confidante. I could tell her any and everything and she never once judged me in my life; she was always beyond proud of me even during my mess ups. From my childhood to adulthood, we were as thick as thieves and she had a bond with Trey that was just as strong as ours.
At the start of every year, I try to set a very specific goal for myself that will be hard to accomplish but would present a considerable amount of growth if attained. This year with the encouragement of my spiritual mentor, I switched it up a little and planted a seed by form of word. My word for 2017 just so happened to be self realization as it is something I have struggled with all my life. I have always felt a little lost in the sauce, kind of going with the flow on everything, which isn’t bad when you’re trying to keep peace but can be very detrimental to your livelihood when you’re trying to be the best version of yourself. Needless to say, I’ve never truly felt like I’ve found myself or know exactly who I am and what I want in life. I’ve never made demands or set up ultimatums that would navigate my life in the direction I wanted it to go. Continue reading Check Yourself, But Don’t Wreck Yourself
Listen when I tell you this… we need to take mental health more seriously in 2017 and thereafter. I have struggled with mental health issues probably all of my life; but because this issue is not usually discussed in black families, I never really knew what my issues were or how deeply they affected my livelihood until I did the research myself in my adult life. I battle depression and anxiety on a regular, but I try to fight them both with natural meds instead of getting a prescription from the doctor. I have my days where I’m perfectly fine and it feels like I’m floating on cloud 9, then I have my days where I really don’t even want to get out of bed. Some days are better than others and the bad days can really send me spiraling if allowed.
I have so much to say, but I just can’t seem to form the words to properly express my thoughts; for me that means take it to the pen and paper, or in this case the fingers and keys. For the first time in my life, I’m completely appalled and speechless about the current state of America. And maybe that’s because I was in middle and high school when Bush was elected; I cared but because I hate politics and government (always have – I’m a socialist), it wasn’t a subject I studied or focused on much. But then at 19, here comes President elect Barack Obama with all this talk of progressive change which sparked hope in me… in many of us. What I didn’t consider were all the ways the media would blame him for everything that went wrong in the country. I didn’t predict that the right-wing, survival of the fittest type thinkers would hate him so much that they’d do whatever to switch the political party back in their favor – sadly in the hands of Donald Trump this go around. Continue reading Let’s Make America Great… Not Again
So Monday was National Boss’s Day and I didn’t even know it until I saw a few acknowledgments on Facebook. I cannot believe I am my own boss! I’ve only been telling whoever would listen at all my old jobs that I wouldn’t be working for someone else long. I just didn’t know at the time exactly how much those words I spoke would resonate in my life, nor did I know how to make it happen. I look back at all the jobs I’ve worked, none of which really correlate with any other, and I still can’t believe I’ve made it this far. However, at the same time, something deep within me always knew that I would not be working to help anyone else live out there dreams. Call it the law of attraction if you will!
As I lay in bed basking in the fact that I’m getting ready to open my own bookstore in two weeks, I’m extremely fatigued but far too anxious to actually nap it off. I’ve been meaning to take a nap for the last hour but also read a chapter in my book, take a shower, and order some things online for the store all at one time. That’s as close as I can get to explaining the way my mind works. It constantly is in overdrive, pondering more than it should on every little detail of things that need to be done.
As I’ve said before, the year of 27 has been the most enlightening thus far for me. With that said, I’ve always been into astrology since childhood because my mom used to buy books on the zodiacs and let me read them. It always freaked me out how in tune with the Aquarius I was and how the characteristics of the sign described me to a fault. Earlier this week, I was introduced to thesecretlanguage.com where you enter your birth day, month and year to learn more about the traits of your specific birthdate. The formal name for my birthdate according to this site is Extended Precognition. Aside from having the most keen sixth sense of them all, my traits include conceptual, self sacrificing, devoted, lively, inventive, passive, emotionally confused, vulnerable, and insecure.
Reading this site has helped me gain insight on myself and helped me realize some ways I could change for the better. I battle with anxiety everyday so I tend to operate by routine day in and day out. I feel like living this way helps me avoid spiraling in life, gives me more control of day to day tasks, and thus helps keep anxiety low. However, this site helped me understand that I actually add to my anxiety by living under such a rigid routine mentally; because if the routine fails, my mind shuts down.
By learning that I do in fact have a strong sixth sense, I am way more inclined to follow my intuition now than ever before. I’m good at second guessing myself and talking myself out of things, often telling myself that sixth sense isn’t real. I’ve also realized despite how well I handle my problems, they are almost always self inflicted to begin with. I also am affected to the core by people’s opinions, but only because I’m oddly open minded towards everyone else and expect the same in return.
My witty sarcasm and dry humor are not only autonomous – truly those are the main things I ever hear complaints about – but they are my only defense mechanisms in this hostile world. I am exhaustingly insecure, often making note to others about how unhappy I am with myself not just physically but simultaneously undermining my own accomplishments as no big deal. Insecurity helps me maintain a negative dissonance about myself, but I become beyond defensive towards any negativity thrown at me. And sadly I can easily dish out the harshness, but I cannot take it when dished at me. I am needy when it comes to love. My need for attention runs high, but at the same time my ability to give it lacks.
There is a beauty in learning more about yourself, realizing your flaws, and working to better yourself. I am always on an active journey to figure out who I am not only mentally but spiritually as well. My secret language says I am deeply conceptual but I often feel like I live on the surface. I will constantly be digging further to peel away the layers of what makes me tick so I can be who God intended me to be. Check out your secret language on thesecretlanguage.com to find out more about yourself!
For everyone who was team Ghost last week, why the sudden switch now?? LOL I told ya’ll he wasn’t hitting on SHHH! He and Tommy have brought Tasha back into their crazy bs, but what surprises me is the fact she agreed. It was obvious she didn’t know she would be doing Ghost a favor by the look on her face when she saw him at Tommy’s place. I bet if she had known about Holly at that moment, she would not have gone through with helping them in any way. Leave it to Ghost to leave out that tiny detail. I swear Tasha said “Typical Ghost” at least three times in this episode. The first time was when he left her to tend to Tommy for the night while he went to have a f*ck fest with Angela; the second was when they showed up to the fancy hotel pretending to be a happily married couple; then lastly when he lied to Angela so smoothly in the hotel room after getting back from the job with Tommy.
Power is my favorite show on tv hands down. Although I love Power, I don’t feel the need to compare it to Empire or any other show because it’s in a lane of it’s own sort of like The Wire was during its run. Since I’ve never blogged about Power in the past, I had to go into a a little more depth in this post and explain why I feel the way I do about specific characters and scenes. I probably missed a few points, but if I said everything I thought about Power on here, you’d never stop reading because it’s a continuous conversation. I just watched this episode for the third time just to make sure I didn’t miss any small details the first two times around lol.
Being black in America, a crime in itself, has become excruciatingly painful in recent years for myself and many others. We live in a world where people have become desensitized to the effects of scrolling their timeline on social media to see a black man unequivocally, undeservingly lose his life to the hands of those who are meant to serve and protect. It doesn’t just stop there; black women are not exempt from the obvious perception from certain individuals that black lives don’t matter. When people feel the need to justify the threat they feel from the black lives matter movement, all lives matter is the first resort.
Of course all lives matter. Who doesn’t want justice for all as stated in our pledge? However, to say that justice for all is what actually takes place would be a lie. I don’t expect everyone to understand what we mean when we say black lives matter. Not everyone has to explain to their children that they have to avoid being perceived a certain way in order to not become a stereotype. Not everyone will understand that even when you explain to your children to be a certain way/avoid certain situations (those careless things teenagers and young adults do with their friends can often lead young black people caught up in the justice system for life), you still worry about them being at the wrong place at the wrong time or caught up in a stereotypical situation with the law. Black men suffer mass incarceration with longer sentences for pettier crimes while other races often plead insanity or receive lesser sentences for more serious crimes.
To know that we are viewed as a threat because we act or carry ourselves in a way that is often misunderstood truly scares me. Not only does it scare me but it makes me mad. I feel like an underdog in the worl but until we can come together, support each other, and build a lasting economy together it is impossible to make a change. So yes all lives do matter, but right now I’m only seeing black families mourn the loss of their loved ones at the hand of police officers these days. All lives matter, but unfortunately those same black families are usually seen mourning again months later as the police officer goes home to his family to watch that exact family on the news. Sometimes even he goes to back to his job.
I don’t get mad when people don’t understand what black lives matter means; they simply don’t understand what it means to be black in America. In a perfect world for many, simply stating they are not racist and never discriminating against black people coupled with the extinction of slavery, would be enough; but in this world it’s not. Just because slavery is no longer a factor, it does not mean black people are treated any more justly today. It’s ok if not everyone believes in the magic, but we won’t let it be denied. #blacklivesmatter
27 is a number, specifically an age, that has always scared me for some odd reason. It could be the series of unlucky events tied to the number – such as all the celebrities who die questionably at that age – but so far it has been one heck of a ride for me; and I’m only five months in. I saw this quote on Facebook yesterday and felt an immediate sense of relief wash over me. Apparently I am not the only woman who feels like everything is simultaneously falling apart and coming together at this current point in my life. My tolerance for people is at an all time low, but at the same time things that used to bother me don’t affect me as much anymore. Once you recognize which friends are really beneficial to your life and you to theirs, you begin to focus on building those relationships more efficiently instead of wasting time trying to make certain people the way you wish they could or have potential to be. If I haven’t learned anything else, I’m beyond hip to the understanding that you can’t change people. Recently I’ve found myself praying for others more than anything.