12 Years Too Long

What in the entire hell?? Where did the time go? It’s been a whole 12 years to the date since I lost the most important person I’ve ever lost in life. To think that I was a mere 13 year old girl at the time really weighs heavily on my heart. Not just because I experienced so much pain at such an early age, but because pretty soon I’ll have doubled in age since that tragic day. That completely scares me like no other.

I’ve dwelled on losing my cousin Delvin so many times in the past that I don’t really have to go into details there; however, it never really dawned on me how much time had passed until now. Next year will mark 13 years since he left, which is of course the age I had reached when I last saw him. One of the things I fear the most in life is losing memories of time spent with him while he was still here. It sucks enough that the memories I do contain are so limited due to how young I was and I worry that as I get older they’ll die out too. That’s just not something I’m willing to accept!

As I sat here reliving all the fun times we shared, I asked myself if he would be proud of who I’ve become. For the longest I blamed the fact that I had lost my prominent male figure who I admired greatly as the catalyst behind my rebellious actions after he was gone. He was the one who taught me to stay away from boys and in a way he helped increase my self confidence because he saw me for the smart girl I was… The girl I couldn’t see yet. As I began to mature, I knew that I couldn’t wonder about how I would be if he were still here, I could only be responsible for who I would like to be right now. I think he would be VERY proud of the woman I’ve become.

I’m sure I can speak for my entire family when I say we were really bitter in the following years of his death. But speaking for me, somewhere along the lines I found peace in knowing that he’s ok now. He’s been perfectly ok for 12 years now and I’m damn near 100% positive he would want us to be ok too. It feels good to not be hurt when I think about him, but instead be happy for the way he impacted my life then at 13 and still does 12 years later at 25. Delvin, thank you for being the big brother I needed at the time and for setting a standard to carry with me throughout the rest of my life. I love you and always will!



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