One of the hardest things in life for me to do is cut people off. I will drive myself crazy inside by remaining silent about how I really feel towards a person just to maintain peace. I don’t like to hurt my friends or people I love so I try my best to refrain from doing so, but sometimes I end up hurting myself in the end. I’ve been faced with a few situations from various people who I thought were friends, but when I think about how they treat me then the title becomes extremely questionable.
I’m the type of person who is very hands on in all of my relationships. I talk to you just about every day and if not then several times throughout the week. I buy “just because” things for you or your kids if I see something that makes me think of you, I pop up at your house when I have extra free time (which isn’t often but hey it happens sometimes), and I try to make time to see you on a regular basis. I’m just starting to notice that there are a lot of things I’m willing to do as a friend that most people aren’t. That’s totally fine but you just can’t expect me to go above and beyond like I normally would if it’s not being reciprocated to even the smallest degree.
I struggle with knowing when to cut people off. I’m always venting to my mom about certain situations and she always tells me to just cut people off. That has never been in my nature and I’m not sure if it every will be, but I will say that I have learned to distance myself from people. I just don’t have the energy to give all of myself like I used to. I wonder if the people around me notice, but then again I don’t really care. I was always the girl trying to stay in touch with my childhood friends or friends from high school just for the sake of holding on to that nostalgic feeling of the friendship we once shared in the past. It doesn’t work though. When people are meant to remain in your life, it’s never a complicated process when you’re trying to keep them there.
I’ve also tried to equate acquaintances with friends to no avail. I learned quickly that there are many people who only associate with me for the sake of their own being. I don’t really know what the purpose would be considering that I don’t have anything to offer outside of what the next has, but that shit is annoying. I don’t like fair weathered friends who only come around when it’s convenient for them. One week I may need a friend to vent to or a shoulder to cry on and these folks are damn near extinct, but when I’m ready to party, have people over my house, or go out and be seen then we’re down to ride. I can’t fade it at all and I owe it to myself to expect more from the people around me.
I have been driving myself completely insane over people who probably haven’t thought twice about me at any point recently. The old saying that goes something along the lines of “put yourself first because nobody else will” has always seemed rather selfish to me, but I’ve recently realized that we live in a very self-centered world. No one is thinking about me because they’re too busy thinking about all the aspects of their own lives which is exactly what I SHOULD be doing. Certainly it’s not the norm to think of your own life plus be concerned about the livelihood of a mere friend?! Where others throw around the word ‘friend’ too loosely, I’ve accepted the fact that I give the word too much value.
No more. God, my family/relationship, and my career come first and in that order. I refuse to get caught up in my own expectations and how I would like things to be. They’ll get it sooner or later… But usually it’s always too late.