I’m Just the 1st to Admit It…

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If I had the ability to see myself in the light that I see many other women, I would possess a dangerous level of confidence. No one would be able to stand me because you would not be able to tell me that I wasn’t the best thing walking. But that’s not the case. I am an externally beautiful individual who’s self-deprecating, insecure, and humble to a fault on the inside. I cannot praise myself for any accolades, despite being told that I have much to be proud of, let alone even acknowledge the fact that I’ve accomplished anything in life. Sure if I get a new job, I’ll post my achievement. When I walked across the stage to receive my Bachelor’s Degree, everyone knew from my social media accounts. But deep inside I just don’t appreciate myself.

My battle with my insecurities has played a major part in my life since childhood. I was always a popular girl throughout school, but I was often “jokingly “picked on for being smart. I went to Druid Hills Elementary School which most people in this area know was filled mostly with white kids. By the time I got to Albert Harris and middle school, most of the black girls (besides the ones in class with me) hated me. I was told that I thought I was pretty or I thought I was better than everyone else, and being raised by my grandparents didn’t help because I got everything I wanted. So yes, I stayed fly in my Tommy Hilfiger because my grandma had a Belk charge card that she never hesitated to let me use for new clothes lol. But because there were certain girls who always made sure to remind me that I wasn’t special, I quickly learned to “dim my light” so that I wouldn’t draw too much attention to myself. For instance, I’ll never forget there was this one girl in middle school who pulled my hair as she was walking out of the bathroom and I was putting on lip gloss in the mirror. Her exact words were “hmph you think you cute, well you not”. Lol believe it or not I still associate with this person to this day on a pretty regular basis. Crazy how I’m always about women empowerment, but fail to take the time to empower myself. It’s almost as if I subconsciously believe that I deserve this type of treatment from people. Self deprecating at it’s finest.

I’ve never been confrontational or vocal about issues I have with people, so I’m pretty sure no one even knows that the things they used to say/do or say/do NOW even bothered me. It took me until my adulthood to actually find myself and be the person that I really wanted to be in order to live a happy life. For a very long time, I was afraid to do anything that would bring any extra attention to myself. I used to be the girl who would get in a relationship and completely change who she was for whatever guy she was dating. As a result, I stayed in some pretty bad situations for as long as I could because I didn’t think I deserved better. I was drawn to guys who displayed “love” with control and jealousy because it came with a sense of security that I never possessed within myself. I always felt the need to play the background and blend in rather than be my own person and be proud to be different. I don’t really know when the turning point came where I became comfortable with being myself, but I was so glad when it did.

Now I no longer feel the need to fit in with the crowd, nor do I try to hide behind others. However, I still don’t really like to talk about myself, I get weirded out when people compliment or give me too much credit, and I still don’t feel like I’ve done anything worth talking about. I’m just little old me. For a long time I thought I was being just an every day humble person, but I’ve realized that it’s deeper than that. I’m still insecure. I don’t talk about myself because I’m afraid of the responses I’ll get. Maybe I’ll get too excited about something I want to do and as soon as I tell someone, they’ll deflate me and make me feel stupid. How can anyone make you feel stupid about something that you really believe you can do? So yeah, there’s a lot of things I need to work on within myself starting with my confidence. The saying “love yourself or nobody will” is so cliche’ to me, but it’s so true. For too long I have been allowing others’ negativity get in my head all because I don’t have the confidence in myself to know that what they think does not define me. Because I work very hard, because I stick to my morals and stand up for what I believe in, and because I know firsthand that I have never given myself enough credit in life, today I am my own WCW. SN: It took everything in me to write and actually post this for the simple fact that I feel like I’m talking about myself way too much, but I figured it may help someone else. I hope it does.

-Shants

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15 thoughts on “I’m Just the 1st to Admit It…

  1. Very well written Deshanta and don’t never feel like you are bragging too much on yourself cause you are a very smart, pretty , determined and intelligent and let me not leave out you are a GREAT single mother to your son. Love you keep up the good work !!!!

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  2. This is an amazing writing and so me!! I wished that I had realized a lot of these things at your age but thankful I’m getting there now!!!

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  3. Sooo i actually just did some binge reading of your blogs. I have always enjoyed anything you write but it just had been a minute since i last visited your blog. I simply love you!! Your someone who always gives inspiration!! Great read!!

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