2016 has been a mix of extreme highs and lows with little to no medium for me thus far. On the day after Christmas right before the start of the new year, which also happened to be my mom’s birthday, I found out that I was expecting a new baby. It came as a shock because I had been taking birth control pills and we weren’t planning for a baby at all. Needless to say we were excited after the surprise wore off, especially considering this would be his first child. Unfortunately on February 3rd, I also found out I had miscarried. The crazy thing about it was that I didn’t have any symptoms of a miscarriage at all. The prior week we had gone in for my eight week check up, but the baby’s size was measuring at seven weeks on the ultrasound and we also couldn’t hear the heartbeat. The doctor told me to come back the following week because I had either miscalculated my date by two weeks or I had indeed miscarried. Either way they would be able to tell for sure in the following week. Four days before my birthday on February 4th I was in the hospital at 6:30 am to have a D&C procedure done for the miscarriage.
I couldn’t really understand why it had happened to me and as difficult as it was, I tried my best not to question God about it. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and obviously this would become a part of my story as something else I’d grow from and possibly even help someone else cope in a similar situation. Ironically a few days later I saw on Facebook where the City would be hosting a business course where three to six winners would receive up to $20,000 in grant funds to start a business uptown. I don’t remember if it came before or after I read about the grant, but my friend Keisha had pitched the idea to me of opening a bookstore and how perfect it would be for me and what I love as a person.
I went ahead and applied for it and found out a week later that I had been selected to take the course. I went through 8 weeks of a boot camp style business course with 15 other prospective business owners where we had to submit a business plan and give an 8 minute pitch at the end of the course. Even though I received a degree in professional writing and had written business plans for others, I was beyond nervous about the numbers in the cash flow chart and the financial portion of my plan. I was also stressing out about presenting my actual pitch in front of the judges although I had spoken in front of people before, including giving the senior speech at my high school graduation as class president. It was just something different about having my dreams on the line. Despite all the unnecessary stress, I found out on May 4th I had won $12,715 in grant funds which was the highest amount received out of the six recipients!
I know I wouldn’t have pushed myself to complete this course had I been with child. There’s no way I would have even had the energy or time to invest into opening my bookstore if I were still preparing for a new baby in the house. With that said, sometimes we have to be still and quiet in God and wait for Him to present our next move for us because it’s usually greater than we could ever imagine. I did in fact question God on occasion in the grieving process of it all, and I even fell into a temporary state of depression; but the situation made me lean on God more and trust him rather than myself.
I quit my job in September 2015 to start my own writing consulting company; and while it gave me full freedom over every aspect of my life, it wasn’t exactly fulfilling like I needed it to be. I’ve never wanted to work for anyone else and I didn’t yet know which avenue I would be taking as an entrepreneur, but I had no idea that I would be running full force towards opening an independent bookstore and so soon at that! It’s so weird how life comes around in full circle. I remember how much I loved going to Waldenbook’s in the mall as a kid; and as a result bookstores are still one of my favorite places on earth to this day. At this point there is no doubt in my mind that I will carry a full term pregnancy and deliver a healthy child in due time if it is meant to be, but I know that everything is according to His will and not mine; however, God apparently has other plans for me at this moment! “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lead not to your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3: 5-6