No matter how happy I am, I’ve realized that happiness is a fleeting feeling that only comes with the good times in life; but it never stays with me forever. Everything could be going right in my life, making me 100% happy, but no matter what I always feel like something is missing. Well they say it’s best to find joy instead of seeking happiness and it’s taken me quite some time to recognize that as the truth. See I tend to stand in denial at times when it comes to happiness because I never want to seem ungrateful for the great things that go on in my life. But who wants their happiness to be contingent upon their current position in life, where they stand in situations, or people in the world who have yet to find their own way? That’s exactly what happiness is.
I think 2015 went by faster than any other year I’ve been in this world. It literally was here today and gone tomorrow! I personally feel 2015 was the year I gained full control of my life. I started making my own decisions without consulting a second opinion from friends and family. After putting my faith in God, I took a leap of faith in my career with which I could not be happier. And although I was not in church and Bible study every Sunday or Wednesday, I completed my first 365-day devotional book and restored my relationship with God in ways that were much needed. I wanted to make it a point to take at least three trips this year – one with family, a baecation, and one with friends – which I managed to accomplish within the year. Certain friendships blossomed within the year, while some fell off completely… and I’m perfectly okay with that. Most importantly, I have the freedom to spend so much more time with my loved ones since I work from home. It brings me so much joy to drop Trey off at school daily and be standing outside the doors when he comes out. 2015 has been a year of abundant blessings for me!
I can be such a plain Jane sometimes. I know when I post on social media there’s usually nothing plain about my attire. There’s absolutely nothing plain about my personality; I’m sarcastically funny, quirky yet entertaining, and very much opinionated. But often times I feel like I’m just a plain Jane… like I’m not enough. I don’t wear makeup too often and when I do it’s usually just eyeliner, mascara, and a lippie. I don’t get my hair done often at all – once every three months if that – and really all I do is wash and air dry it on a daily. I don’t dress up much anymore unless I’m having date night or it’s the rare occasion that I’m going to the club. I often feel like people just pretend to like me because I have that stereotypical “light skin with long hair” look, when in reality I feel like just another girl ALL the time. In a world where millions of picture are uploaded to social media each day and half the women just seemingly look “flawless” in every single post, it’s easy to see why many girls could potentially feel the way I do.
I’ve really slacked off from the 30 day blogging challenge (to no surprise lol) but now I’m back like I never left! I left off at day 6 so I’ll just continue to day 7 even though there have been 30+ days in between the two lol. Today’s blogging challenge entails discussing my dream job and why it’s my dream job. Well that’s easy enough.
Today’s post for the 30 day blogging challenge is supposed to be about my relationship with my parents which used to be a really sensitive subject for me, but is now something I can boast about. Most people know that I was raised by my grandparents and up until my twenties, I somewhat resented my parents for that. My four best friends all lived in homes with both of their parents and here I was with neither of mine. The dynamics of my home life really got to me throughout my middle and high school years. It seemed like the older I got, the more I craved an explanation for why things were the way there were; as a result, I rebelled. However if you look at how we interact today, you’d never be able to tell we had any issues at all.
The constant stifling of thoughts pierced by never ending screams,
Wondering when things will turn into what they seem,
The only thing left to hold on to is the dream,
But even that becomes a burden when the light loses its beam.
The line between pursuit and hesitation gets quite blurred,
Awakening a soul that had so long ago been stirred
With reminders of a dream that was too long ago deferred.
Passion buried deeply under failures at the root
Makes living life feel like another trivial pursuit.
And who’s picking up the pieces of the soul that trails behind?
Scared of looking forward cause you don’t know what you’ll find,
And ain’t no looking back because it’s just a waste of time.
Losing out on hope brings a pain too deep to bear,
Just push a little further and soon you’ll know you’re there.
And how? The answers never come.
With no set destination it’s hard to see when you have won
But yet you are so far ahead than where you have come from
And still there is the question of what all could become,
Which lets you know the journey is a far cry from undone.
So when it feels as though there is nothing left to chase,
Just know the heart of your soul is at the end of every race.
EEK I started a new blog today! I completely did away with The Boss Chic Files this morning after weeks of deliberating if I should. Let’s face it. That blog was very generic, very much like the blogs of thousands of other women in their 20’s. From the title that I created almost five years ago to the content that was getting more and more trickled down by the post, I knew I couldn’t write on that blog anymore. I needed something fresh and enlightening, I wanted it to be more… ME. So here I am!
As my passion to write had become stifled by the expectations I had set for my last blog, I realized that I was blocking out my passion completely. It seemed as if my WILL to right was still there, but the ink had long run dry and no words ever formed from my mind. You know what it feels like to lose something you love, well I had begun to feel like I had lost my love for writing. I wrote down popular topics that I could discuss that would hit the masses, but no words ever flowed. Was I no longer the creative being that I knew I was born as? It was so scary to me.
I got so sidetracked by the desire to produce perfection in my work that I couldn’t come up with anything at all. Breaks in writing turned into a hiatus that I never expected. Before I could shift things back around, I was no longer desiring to write but instead making excuses for reasons I couldn’t. This whole process had affected my livelihood because without writing I feel as though a part of my existence is gone. I knew I had to get a grip on reality quickly or I would have convinced myself that writing wasn’t even my true calling.
You can’t run from your passions. I will no longer attempt. As frustrating as it can be to feel unaccomplished in your pursuit to obtain your passion, there is no worse feeling that not following it. Every single day I felt “off” with myself, as if I were going through some sort of depression if you will. I didn’t feel as though I was living life to the fullest extent, however there was nothing completely wrong either. I’ve realized that our passions are what drive our lives. Without passion where is hope? Without passion, the dreamers are mere sleepers with no outlook for tomorrow. The doting will to be “the best” can sometimes overshadow the learning experience in the journey. I didn’t even realize that the feelings I was experiencing at the time were plenty for me to hone my creative writing skills.
Keep your passion burning, your heart hopeful, and your dreams alive. Your livelihood depends on it. I would rather fall short a million times and finish last than give up before I end and never know the outcome…
“Ten years from now bet I still be on top, I thought I told ya’ll that we don’t stop”
Today marks day 2 of my 30 day blogging challenge and the topic is about where I see myself ten years from now. Boy this one is easy! If I don’t think about anything else throughout the day, you can best believe my future is one thing that’s always on my mind. Ten years from now I will be getting ready to turn 35, Trey will be 16, and let me just tell ya’ll… If I’m not well; established by then or remotely close to being where I want to be in life ya’ll might as well kill me now lol. Living out my dreams is not even an option to me!
I was approached by the ladies of Notorious Styles to be the first person they interviewed for their new natural hair segment, Nappy Notes. I was previously featured on their blog for my style and my own blog, and I have been a fan of their site since it first launched! The very last question that they asked was what I would write to my younger self if I could put it in a letter. This question really threw me for a loop because there’s SO much that I want to tell my old self, things that still have an effect on me to this day. I finally got the letter formatted as simply as I could without leaving out any of my deepest feelings, and decided to share what I came up with. My full interview will be posted on the Notorious Styles site on Sunday so make sure you check them out as well !
What do you tell yourself when you get to the point where you’re burnt out and want to give up on life?? I personally remind myself that I have the same hours in a day as Beyonce’. I know ya’ll think I’m foolish over Bey lol and maybe I am! But you have no choice but to respect her grind. A few weeks ago, Kyle Santillian from 102 Jamz, my local radio station in Greensboro, hit me up on twitter regarding an internship opportunity. I had sent him a DM months ago asking if they had anything available, and when I had finally given up hope that’s when he reached out to me!